Tyler James Opsal (my grandson)

Saying "I'm sorry"

Some things can only be repaired by an apology and nothing else. Apologies are not a pass or fail. When giving an apology, any performance less than an “A” really does not cut it. They are usually patronizing, staged, insincere, or generalized, and do not take responsibility. When we make bad apologies, we put more strain on the relationship and can cause bitterness to remain.
A bad apology is worse than no apology. People know when you are making an insincere apology and they find it insulting. Bad apologies are “I’m sorry YOU hurt by what I’ve done; another common bad apology is “I apologize for what I did, but you also need to apologize to me for what you’ve done.” That is not giving an apology it is asking for one. Good apologies will 1). Bring peace, 2). Stop arguments, and 3). Restore broken relationships. It soothes the offended, relieves the offender, and brings emotional healing to both of their hearts.

When we do not apologize after an offense, everything can tend to spin out of control. Common causes for failure to apologize are pride and fear of shame and the belief that apologizing is a sign of weakness and admission of guilt. A good apology is an act of honesty, humility and generosity. It is a sign of courage not weakness.

Make a good effort to apologize in a proper and heartfelt manner. However, do not expect the other person to apologize back. We cannot control that. After all, not everyone reaches the right emotional place to apologize at the exact moment we do. So, be patient. I have seen people apologize, and then several days later the other person came around. Your patience will be both appreciated and rewarded.

The right way to apologize:
¨ Do not justify, minimize or make excuses for what you did. Take responsibility!
“What I did was wrong”
¨ Be genuine when you express regret for the mishap
“I feel badly that I hurt you”
¨ Ask what you can do to repair the damage?
“How do I make this better?”
¨ Make the apology timely.
Sooner is usually better than later.

When you look at things from a Christian point of view these key steps to an apology are a form of repentance; Note the similarity to confession, remorse, and restitution.

Sacred Marriage

“God has a plan for your marriage, but the enemy of God has a plan for it as well.”
Most couples stand at the alter desiring a blessed by God union but all to often it becomes a bleeding union where each one’s brokenness and walls prevent the other one from getting close.

God is the author of marriage and he wants us to enjoy a vibrant marriage but we need to have a teachable heart. When the marriage is going through a tough time, it is a unique opportunity to let the Lord work in a huge way in you. Oftentimes that means that we will get all of our esteem, all of our love, and all of our confidence from Him alone! We always think it is our partner that needs to change. We have to trust the Lord to change our honey and to protect our marriage.

When we make moves toward each other instead of moving away it helps us to be like minded, sympathetic for the other, kind and tenderhearted, and humble in spirit. Human nature wants us to return evil for evil or insult for insult; you know the thoughts, “how can I even the score?” We have to purpose to give a blessing instead no matter how the other one treats you. Then we might inherit a blessing.

Marriage isn't easy for any of us. No matter what anyone tells you, we all have to work at it, because at the heart of it we are all selfish. Really, all the problems in marriage come from selfishness. You get upset that your spouse does not do things for you because you want something. The spouse gets upset because you ask for something and he does not want to give anything of himself. It is selfishness. Period. And, only the Lord can work that out.

Sometimes we get so caught up in not feeling like we can trust our spouse; Don’t worry about trusting him. Trust the Lord to protect your marriage and you. That is what He does. Trusting in the Lord shifts the focus, so that we can trust our husbands, even if they may not be trustworthy. That is grace! Giving what is not deserved. We have grace because of what the Lord has given us. The Lord wants to be glorified in your marriage. He doesn't just want you to be happy. He wants to be exalted and glorified in it. Sometimes we have to realize that the other person cannot give us everything, so that we let Him be the glue in our marriage.
So, a few suggestions:

#1 – Pray together every day. Bless your spouse in your prayer, though. Do not ask God to change him, or to make him anything other than who he is. (If he will not pray with you, then pray for him on your own every day.)

#2 – When you start to tell him what you need, don’t. Pray and ask the Lord to provide whatever it is that you need. If it is through your honey, fine. If not, trust that He will. (Sometimes when we ask our honeys for something and they don't give it, it just makes us resentful and less willing to give ourselves.)

#3 – Find things everyday that will bless your honey. Make their coffee the way they like it or tell them they smell good. Don't expect anything in return. (This is grace in action. The Lord will bless you for it, and you'll feel less like maybe you deserve their ill-treatment)

#5 - Don't let your mind stay on the negative things in your marriage. Stop yourself when you go there, and move to either positive things in it, or to verses that remind you of the goodness of the Lord.

#4 – Read your Word every day. Write on index cards the things that the Lord speaks to you, especially having to do with your esteem in Him or His faithfulness, or His willingness to provide for you. Concentrate on His goodness and provision.

Rise up and march forward in the strength of the Lord!

Thanks to my dear friend Margaret Opsal for sharing many of these thoughts with me!!!

Do Not Worry

Mark Twain said “I’ve experienced a lot of terrible things in my life – and some of them actually happened”. I too have let negative and insecure thinking cause me much worry. When I get my feelings hurt I focus on negative thinking. The other night I got so absorbed in the details of what was upsetting me; I began to feel worse because one thought lead to another, and yet another until I got so upset that I started thinking “I cannot believe this is happening to me” which of course allowed me to throw one big pity party for myself. This snowball thinking reveals my all-too-human side?
Rehearsing the painful thoughts repeatedly is like making a snowball, the more you roll it around in the snow or add more snow to it, the bigger the snowball gets; Likewise the more we obsess over hurt emotions and add more negative thoughts to it the bigger the problem gets and we become more worried and stressed. When we fill our head with stuff like this it causes us to react to circumstances with agitation and harshness which robs us of the serentiy that God wants us to have.
God is the Father of peace. Many of us are worrisome and peace seems foreign to us. We long for our thoughts to be toward that inner tranquility regardless of the outward circumstances.

“The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” (Philippians 4:5-7)


When times are difficult we can direct our thoughts away from the hurtful events and toward our Father of peace. Thankfulness controls the temptation to dwell on the fear provoking events. It is impossible to be thankful and worry at the same time. The Lord has told us. Do not be anxious for anything.” When you catch yourself rehearsing a hurt, say to yourself, “whew, there I go again” and consciously nip it in the bud. Stop the train before it gets going because once it gets rolling, it is a slippery slope.
Maybe we cannot be thankful for the hurt in our heart but we can be thankful that God is near, that Jesus is standing by our side to take us to the Father of peace. When we pray we can hear God clearly say, “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.” (Matthew 11:28).

The dance of intimacy

Ever since Adam and Eve sinned in the Garden of Eden, men and women have been hiding their deepest selves from one another. That’s why intimacy takes work. However, there is hope! Because God is the designer of relationships, He made you and those around you and knows our hearts, He knows how to help you connect with the key people in your life. Granted, intimacy can be one of the most frightening and challenging things you’ll ever experience, but if you are willing to climb the uphill battle, it can also be one of the most rewarding and satisfying parts of life.
Mature Intimacy is a place in which we can define the self and respect the emotional separateness of the other. Intimacy will not occur as long as we assume that we are the “expert” on how another should handle their relationships. If we find we alternate between silence and distance, or fighting and blaming we can rest assured these behaviors will keep us STUCK by ensuring that problems will not be addressed in a productive way. Problems will arise as well when we look to intimate relationships as our source of self-esteem.
We must be willing to fight for intimacy in our marriages and to fiercely guard it. We fight for it by being attentive to each other’s hearts; by yielding to God in a way that allows us to more easily yield to one another. We guard it by being intentional, considering what pulls us from intimacy and stepping away from those places, considering what brings us life and stepping deliberately into those places.
My lover is mine and I am his; we long to belong. Marriage, as a coming together before God, offers a sense of belonging that mirrors our belonging to the Father. While the vulnerability that intimacy brings is sometimes hard or scary to step into, it is such a wonderfully holy place that God gives us, a place of delighting in one another that echoes of the Father’s delight in us.
Father, forgive me the places where, although I long to belong, I rebel under your covering. Forgive me the places where I choose not to yield. Let me delight so much in You that I can delight in the one you have given me in marriage, that together we might be Yours. For more information see www.fatherlovesyou.net

The Holiday season , for many of us, is the most happy, exciting and joyful time of the year. Then again, for others, it can be a time of loneliness. Some of us look around the malls and see others shopping for gifts, laughing, hugging and humming a Christmas tune; for those feeling lonely, seeing this reinforces their emptiness and loneliness.
Loneliness, what is it? Adrian Rogers said:
“Loneliness is a painful sense of being unwanted, unneeded, uncared for, maybe even unnecessary. Every person has three basic emotional needs. Every one of us has a need for someone to love and someone to love us. We also all need somebody who understands us, who knows how we feel. And then we desire somebody who wants us and needs us. We need to be needed!”
There is in every human heart a place that God alone can fill. There is also in God’s heart a place that you alone can fill. No one and nothing else can fill your place in the heart of God. Whoa. He longs for you. When we really know that love, it heals our wounded hearts and restores damaged relationships. Recently I had a night where I cried myself to sleep, the pain of loneliness cut deep and all hope seemed lost. While weeping, I heard God’s gentle words of comfort, “you are not alone. For I am here, I have never left your side. I have seen you through your darkest night and I will wipe away your every tear.” This woke me up to how God’s love brings refreshment and stillness. He wants to spend time with me! Encountering God’s love combats loneliness! As F.B. Meyer said: Loneliness is an opportunity for Jesus to make Himself known.

Surrendering to God was the key to unlock the door to the life I wanted. When I gave authority in my life back to God, He changed me. I could not change myself no matter how hard I tried. When the walls around our heart come down, God has access to the deepest parts of who we are. A relationship with the Lord will begin to transform our capacity to relate to others. His love can then flow through us in a cleansing sort of way and we are different because of it. Jesus alone is the answer to loneliness.
It’s sad that people remain isolated in their loneliness during the Holidays. Christmas is about undoing loneliness. Isaiah shared with us before the birth of Jesus Christ, "Therefore the Lord Himself shall give you a sign; Behold, a virgin shall conceive, and bear a Son, and shall call His name Immanuel" (Isaiah 7:14). Immanuel means "God with us." And if God is with us, how can we ever be lonely again? But, far more people are lonely than we may dream.